Experts outline methods for de-escalating tense caregiver conversations

Gerontologists and aging coaches have identified specific communication tactics to help caregivers manage stress during difficult interactions.

The experts from the program Aging Untold advise that physical removal from a tense environment is the primary defense against escalation. "Sam" Cradduck, a gerontologist, stated that caregivers must leave the room to regulate their nervous system. "You have to step away. You really do," Cradduck said. "You’ve got to let yourself calm down."

Aging well coach Katherine Ambrose suggested that caregivers monitor their physical responses for warning signs. Ambrose noted that feeling hot, shaky, or experiencing jaw tension indicates the body is reaching its limit. When these signals appear, caregivers should remove themselves or call for assistance to reset their emotional state.

Experts also recommend viewing the behavior of the person receiving care as a signal rather than a personal attack. Cradduck explained that unspoken expectations often transform into spoken resentment. "You expecting something from somebody oftentimes turns into spoken resentment," Cradduck said. "So then, you’re frustrated and you’re yelling and they have no idea."

Aging expert Amy O’Rourke listed specific words that tend to increase conflict: no, you, always, never, don’t, and you can’t. O’Rourke emphasized that tone carries equal weight to the vocabulary used. "It’s not just what you say, it’s how you say it," Cradduck added. Ambrose added that miscommunication is the root of most conflict and that caregivers need the emotional maturity to manage their own reactions.

O’Rourke described a situation at a nursing home where her father was upset about a missing wheelchair key. Staff members were frustrated by his distress. O’Rourke solved the mechanical issue but noted her heart rate increased during the interaction. "But then I realized, I don’t have to be right," O’Rourke said. "I can let go and be with him where he is."

Dr. Rhea Rogers, a board-certified physician, warned that misunderstanding causes people to second-guess themselves, which can lead to anger. She said caregivers can be as distraught as the people they care for. Rogers urged caregivers to identify underlying fears that they do not discuss often enough.

Ambrose observed that online groups where caregivers complain often contain low-level energy that makes participants more miserable. However, Cradduck supported these groups as safe spaces for venting before entering a caregiving situation. The experts agreed that entering a conversation with a specific outcome in mind often leads to failure. O’Rourke said caregivers should aim for successful connection rather than a fixed result. Cradduck cautioned against treating adults like children, noting that this dynamic creates conflict. The caregiver must remain the peaceful adult to maintain calm.

The program provided these guidelines for educational and informational purposes. It does not constitute medical advice. Individuals seeking personal medical advice should consult a licensed physician.